The Crockadile Hunter vs MR Mouthwash
by Grevola
Summary: What started as an inocent Crockadile Hunter-Gundam Wing crossover quickly becomes something much sillier when MR Mouthwash showes up


Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam wing OR the Crocodile Hunter. Nor do I have any means of placing him in the year AC 195 besides Author Power (tm).  
  
Author's Note: Ok, I figure I can't rightly call myself a Gundam Wing fanfiction author until I do one gratuitous silly fic. So here it goes. This is (hopefully) nothing like my other work, but if I'm lucky people will like it just the same. Either way, reviews are helpful.  
  
"Conversation"  
  
'Thoughts'  
  
[Author's Comments to Readers]  
  
{Author's Comments to Characters}  
  
Animal's thoughts  
  
  
  
It was just another semi-peaceful day for the gundam pilots at their safe house in Australia. Quatre was inside reading a book, Wufei was outside doing his katas, Duo was watching TV and Heero was typing something mysterious on his laptop. Trowa was doing whatever it is that Trowa does. Probably polishing Heavyarms, but there's no sure way to know.  
  
Any way, Heero suddenly jumped up and did a happy dance around his room. The other pilots would have sweat-dropped if they had been there to see it, but he wouldn't have done it if they had been there to see it. Having finished his dance he entered the living room of the safe house and tapped Duo on the shoulder.  
  
"Get the others. We have a mission." He said in a complete monotone.  
  
"Gotcha!" Duo answered. He turned the TV off, and then without even standing yelled something that was bound to get their attention: "ZECH AND TRIEZE ARE DOING A STRIP-TEASE!!" He bellowed.  
  
Heero stared at his partner for a moment and considered weather or not he was really necessary for the mission and if he couldn't just kill him now. {Would you rather be the comic relief?} Came a mysterious voice from Author Space(tm). Heero gulped and shook his head.  
  
By this time every one else had shown up. Wufei was holding a Kleenex to his nose and glaring at Duo. Quatre looked positively disappointed, apparently he'd been hopping he could join the two men. Trowa looked, well like Trowa always looks. ///_-  
  
"Duo no baka!" Heero growled.  
  
"Aw, I love you too Hee-chan!" The Deathscythe pilot grinned and glomped Heero.  
  
Completely ignoring the braided figure wrapped around him Heero looked at the others seriously. "We have a new mission that goes as follows. We're charged with protecting one Steve Erwin for the next week."  
  
"Why?" Wufei asked.  
  
{Because I said so, now get on with the story!} The author answered, wielding a bright white lightning bolt.  
  
"Of course, right away ma'am." Wufei said before returning to the story.  
  
"Sounds easy enough," Quatre said.  
  
"This is gonna be so much fun!" Duo said, releasing Heero and doing a happy-hyper dance around the living room.  
  
Trowa, well he sort of twitched a little and Heero decided that meant yes.  
  
"Mission Accepted." He said, before handing out the specs. They said that Steve would be arriving as soon as the author got around to putting him in the fic and that they were to make sure that he didn't get hurt, no matter what!  
  
At that second the doorbell rang. Duo, having snuck a cup of coffee that morning, jumped over the sofa, made three laps around the coffee table, checked the amount of milk in the fridge and then answered the door all in the space of about three seconds.  
  
"Hi! I'm Duo, you must be Steve, pleased to meet you. I don't know how you're going to like my friends, the don't talk to much. Well except for Quatre, he'll go on for hours about the color pink or how sexy he thinks Trowa is. Not that I can blame him, but bang-boy has the personality of a brick. Speaking of lack of personalities, wait till you meet Heero. He's Japanese, but the only words that you need to know are 'Hn' 'baka' and 'Omeao korosu' which mean 'I'm going to kill you' but he's never killed anybody that he said that to, so think of it as a sign of endearment. And then there's Wufei. The guy has a stick up his mmumph!" The last part turned into an indignant squawk as Quatre politely stuffed his braid into his mouth.  
  
Standing on their door step was a very haired looking man with blond hair and blue eyes. He wore khaki 'adventure shorts' (tm) and hiking boots. "Please excuse my friend, he hasn't has his medication to day. Now, I'm Quatre Reberba Winner. Am I right in assuming that you're Steve Erwin?"  
  
"Right, now that would be me." Steve said, smiling a huge grin.  
  
"Well come on inside and I'll introduce you to every one." That said Quatre lead the poor unsuspecting victim erm.. man into the living room.  
  
"G'day, mates! I'm Steve Erwin, or the Crocodile Hunter. Some girl offered me a life time supply of pocky if I took you all with me on my job for a week. Pleased to meet you."  
  
{You will all forget that Steve was bribed} Came a mysterious, hypnotic voice from Author Space(tm)  
  
"Yes master" They all chorused with zombie like looks on their faces. A moment latter they snapped out of it as though nothing had happened.  
  
"May I introduce my companions?" Quatre offered, "You've met Duo. This is Heero."  
  
Heero gave him a Heero-Yuy-glare-of-annoyance(tm) "This is Wufie."  
  
"Injustice! My name is Wufei! WU-FEI! Damn it Winner! Get it right!!"  
  
"Uh, yeah. Well this is Trowa."  
  
///.-  
  
"Yeah..." Quatre quickly be came distracted fantasizing about the tall pilot.  
  
"Yo, Quat!" Duo called, waving a hand in front of his friend's glazed expression. When he didn't even blink Duo sighed. "He gets that way some times. Now, we're going to be you're body guards for the next week. (or the author comes to her sense and lets us all go back to her usual fics)"  
  
{I heard that Duo} The author threatened.  
  
"Sorry! But who's stupid idea was this fic any way! It sounds like something your brother would come up with."  
  
The author glares at Duo and looks guilty, {Shut up. I had writers block, Ok?!}  
  
"And PMS" Wufei muttered.  
  
{Do you want me to misspell your name for the rest of the fic? 'Cause I'll do it!}  
  
"No ma'am!"  
  
{Glad that's understood, now onto the story. If you're good I might deus ex machina the story so that it's shorter.}  
  
"Yea." An unenthusiastic cheer rose from all the characters.  
  
{Oh, just get on with it all ready!}  
  
"That's wonderful mates! But I've got to get out into the field now, so lets go!"  
  
With that they all found themselves in a cameo jeep trundling down the back roads of the Australian outback. After about ten minutes of arguing over radio stations they arrived at their destination.  
  
"What is this place?" Quatre asked.  
  
"This is the Crock Center. It's where we keep all of our animals with mental problems. Now stick close." Steve explained and jumped out of the jeep and headed into the wooded area.  
  
Heero followed close behind, alert to any and all dangers. Quatre dragged Duo after him by his braid. It seems that pilot 02 has a slight fear of lizards bigger then him. Wufei followed, alternately muttering about injustice and laughing at Duo being dragged by his braid. Trowa had disappeared in that way that only tall, slender, statue-like gundam pilots can.  
  
  
  
G'vola: I'm back! Bad pseudo-muse! Bad bad pseudo-muse! I have come to my senses, or lack there of, and will now end this insanity. If you REALLY want me to continue with this... Well, lets just say there had better be some pretty nice reviews.  
  
Duo: Don't review, whatever you do!  
  
Wufei: If you review I will find you and... Well lets just say justice will be served.  
  
Quatre: No need to be so violent Wufei. Don't threaten the readers. Threaten this new muse-creature that temporarily possessed G'vola.  
  
Heero: Yes, but that still doesn't get us out of her other fics.  
  
Duo: Maybe not, but they are better then this one.  
  
Quatre: Have you read the ones she *doesn't* post?  
  
Duo: Would those be the ones behind the door Trowa is guarding with a wicked gun and a large stick?  
  
G'vola: Yes. Now please stop dissing my other fics! You're making Mike cry.  
  
Wufei: You named your muse after your ex?!  
  
G'vola: Not exactly... He's actually named after Michael Stipe. I can't help it that my ex, my best friend AND my uncle are all named Mike!  
  
*Quatre quietly on the phone*: Yes, I hear that you are an asylum for fanfiction authors... Yes do you have any available rooms...  
  
*Mike appears and bops Quatre on the head. Trowa glare at Mike, who cowers behind G'vola.*  
  
Ok, this insanity is getting to be longer then the fic. I'll find the silly muse and lock him/her/it up somewhere. Just get off my back! Geeze...  
  
  
  
*Suddenly G'vola's brother, MR. Mouthwash runs in toting a large magic wand. He waves the wand like a maniac and runs out*  
  
G'vola: GET BACK HERE!! I'm going to kill you!  
  
Duo: What did he do to my hair? It's always the hair, so what did he do to it, I can't look.  
  
Quatre: Well, he didn't do anything to your *hair*. But, ah, take a look at your hand.  
  
*Duo looks at his neon pink hand and screams*  
  
Duo: GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFF!!  
  
Quatre: Well, that was to be expected. ... Um, Trowa? Why are you in a Tuu-tu?  
  
Trowa: ///.O  
  
Quatre: It looks great on you! You should have *told* me you liked pink too!  
  
All: .... -.-  
  
Heero:.... What happened to me?  
  
Wufei: I don't know, try shooting something.  
  
*Heero fires his gun. In the distance a high pitched wail is heard: Heeeeerooooooo!*  
  
Heero: GAH! It's a Releana attractant! *drops gun* Make it go away!  
  
Wufei: So nothing happened to me?  
  
*G'vola holds her head and rubs her temples* Check you're underwear.  
  
*Wufei checks his underwear, gets a nose bleed and passes out.*  
  
*MR. Mouthwash runs in*  
  
MR. Mouthwash: COULD I INTEREST YOU IN SOME CHEESE AND CRACKERS?!!!!  
  
*G'vola whips cell phone out of Author Space (tm) and hits the insta-dial. She whispers for several seconds and then the Maguanocks rush in.*  
  
Maguanock1: Master Quatre! Master Quatre!  
  
Maguanock2: Master Quatre, why did you grow a beard?!  
  
Quatre: A beard? *whips out make up compact and looks at himself.* GAHH! What happened! I look like a hobo, now Trowa will never date me!  
  
*Trowa edges away slowly*  
  
G'vola: As amusing as it is to watch all forty of you fawn over Quatre, I would appreciate it if you would remove  
  
MR. Mouthwash: Speaking of squirrels, that reminds me, I need to go to Mr. Pickle's house (he can get me lots of money) to get the resisters.  
  
Duo: G'vola! There's a strange man talking about squirrels and resisters, make him go away!!!  
  
///.-  
  
G'vola: I'm trying, give me a break!  
  
*G'vola's sister, Bar-Ohki runs in with her Annoyance Zapper 350 (tm)*  
  
Bar-Ohki: Ok, where is he?!  
  
G'vola: Over there, now hurry up, he's scaring Heero.  
  
*Heero is sitting in the corner, in a fetal position rocking back and forth and mutter to himself about bunny rabbits*  
  
Bar-Ohki: Gotcha!  
  
*Bar-Ohki zaps MR. Mouthwash with her ray gun. MR. Mouthwash goes into an epileptic seizure while screaming: *  
  
MR Mouthwash: I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU and what about Quadre?!  
  
*Finally he disintegrates into an unidentifiable puddle on the floor.*  
  
G'vola: And I just had the cleaners in here to...  
  
Duo: You clean this place?!  
  
G'vola: Shut up Duo. I got him to leave, didn't I?  
  
Bar-Ohki: Actually that was me. Now I have to go avenge myself of Captain Ohki. Latter.  
  
*Bar-Ohki glomps Duo briefly before teleporting out*  
  
G'vola: Can we end this now please?! I promise I'll never try to be silly ever again!  
  
Wufei: Yes, it would be unjust to let this go any longer.  
  
Duo: Sounds good to me. Quatre has thoroughly scared Trowa for life. I think his face is stuck like that.  
  
///.()  
  
Trowa:....  
  
Quatre: Isn't he cute?! Can I keep him? I promise I'll feed him and clean him and walk him every night.  
  
Heero: No Quatre.  
  
Quatre: But..  
  
Heero: NO Quatre.  
  
*Quatre starts crying. Heero finally gets annoyed and picks up his gun. After contemplating it for a moment he shoots G'vola's computer, putting an end to the madness.*  
  
As the world becomes black, a distant cry, like that of some hideous bird of prey, can be heard. "Heeeerooooo!"  
  
  
  
PS: Sorry about misspelling Maguanock. I don't know how, and if it weren't for spell checker others wouldn't be able to read my stuff, so please forgive. Gomen-nasai! 


End file.
